State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i am craving dick and cupcakes
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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