I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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