Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
