So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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