I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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