y did u give ur computer a hand job?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
