I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
