Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
