please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
