Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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