I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
