I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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