I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
