Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
