once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
