I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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