his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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