he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
