that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
3 2 1 whiskey
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
