if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
