Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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