I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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