i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just gift wrapped bread.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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