So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
