Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
