Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
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