My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
we're so committed to being not committed
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
