Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
