did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
