who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
