Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
