Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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