Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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