Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
