I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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