I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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