smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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