so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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