you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
