I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
