Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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