I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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