During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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