I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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