I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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