I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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