eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
