I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
