I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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