Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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