If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
