The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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