I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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