Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
