I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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